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GM3YEW > HUMOUR   28.04.18 15:16l 316 Lines 8581 Bytes #87 (0) @ WW
BID : 8769_GB7YEW
Subj: jokes 14/4
Sent: 180414/0821Z 8769@GB7YEW.GB7YEW.#79.GBR.EURO BPQ6.0.14

 As Grandmother used to say 
 Keep your eyes on the stars, and your feet on the ground
The police came to my front door last night holding a picture  of my
They said, "Is this your  wife, sir?"
Shocked, I answered, " Yes."
They said, "I'm afraid it looks  like she's been hit by a bus."
I said,  "I  know, but she has a lovely personality."
While golfing, I took a quick turn to avoid hitting a chuck hole, an
accidentally overturned my golf cart.
A very beautiful and attractive golfer, who lived right there on the
edge of the golf course, heard the noise, came running out of her
villa and shouted, "Are you okay?"
As I looked up I noticed she was wearing only a silky see-through bath
robe which was partially open, revealing what appeared to be a VERY
nice figure.
"I'm okay I think," I replied as I pulled myself out from under the
twisted cart.
She said, "Please come with me to my villa so I can clean and bandage
that nasty scrape on your head, then you can rest a while, and I'll
help you upright the cart later."
"That's mighty nice of you," I answered, but I don't think my wife
will like me doing that!
"Oh, come on now," she insisted. " We need to see if you have any more
scrapes and I'll treat them if you do."
Well, after all, she was really pretty, and very persuasive.
Being sort of shaken and weak, I finally agreed, but repeated, "I'm
sure my wife won't like this."
We walked to her place just 100 yards away, and after a couple of
Scotch and waters and the bandaging,
I thanked her and said, "I feel a lot better now, but I know my wife
is going to be really upset, so I'd better go now."
"Don't be silly!" she said with a smile, letting her robe fall even
more open. "Stay for a while. She won't know anything happened, and by
the way, where is she?"
I replied, "Still under the cart, I guess."

The best way to forget your troubles is to wear tight shoes.
The nice part about living in a small town is that when you 
don't know what you are doing, someone else does. 
The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight because by
 then, your body and your fat are really good friends.
Just when I was getting used to yesterday, along came today. 
Sometimes I think I understand everything, and then I regain 
I gave up jogging for my health when my thighs kept rubbing 
together and setting fire to my knickers.
Amazing!  You hang something in your closet for a while and 
it shrinks 2 sizes! 
Skinny people irritate me!  Especially when they say things 
like...'You know sometimes I forget to eat!' .....Now I've 
forgotten my address, my mother's maiden name and my keys, 
but I have never forgotten to eat.  You have to be a special 
kind of stupid to forget to eat! 
The trouble with some women is that they get all excited
 about nothing and then they marry him.
I read this article that said the typical symptoms of stress 
are eating too much, impulse buying, and driving too fast. 
Are they kidding?  That's my idea of a perfect day! 
Funeral Arrangements
My wife and I were making our own funeral arrangements, 
and the director
Showed us into a room in which containers for ashes were 
on display.
After we looked at the choices, I asked my wife if she had 
She sighed. "Yes, the wood-finish one, as it will likely go 
into the
After a moment's pause, however, she continued. "But 
I really prefer the
Blue one. You know I always look good in blue."
Resume Examples
These are real examples from real resumes:
*Reasons For Leaving Last Job*
- Responsibility makes me nervous.
- They insisted that all employees get to work by 8:45
 every morning.
   Couldn't work under those conditions.
- Was met with a string of broken promises and lies, as 
well as cockroaches.
- I was working for my mom until she decided to move.
- The company made me a scapegoat - just like my 
three previous employers.
*Job Responsibilities*
- While I am open to the initial nature of an assignment, I am decidedly
   Disposed that it be so oriented as to at least partially incorporate the
   Experience enjoyed heretofore and that it be configured so as to
   Ultimately lead to the application of more rarefied facets of financial
   Management as the major sphere of responsibility.
- I was proud to win the Gregg Typting Award.
*Special Requests and Job Objectives*
- Please call me after 5:30 because I am self-employed and my employer 
does    Not know I am looking for another job.
- My goal is to be a meteorologist.  But since I have no training in
   Meteorology, I suppose I should try stock brokerage.
- I procrastinate - especially when the task is unpleasant.
*Physical Disabilities*
- Minor allergies to house cats and Mongolian sheep.
*Personal Interests*
- Donating blood. 14 gallons so far.
*Small Typos That Can Change the Meaning*
- Education: College, August 1880-May 1984.
- Work Experience:  Dealing with customers' conflicts that arouse.
- Develop and recommend an annual operating expense fudget.
- I'm a rabid typist.
- Instrumental in ruining entire operation for a Midwest chain operation.
Angus Broon of Glasgow comes to the little lady of the house 
exclaiming, " Maggie, cud ye be sewin a wee button that`s come 
off my fly? I cannae button me pants. "
" Oh Angus, I`ve got my hands in the dishpan, go upstairs and see 
if Mrs MacDonald could be helpin ye with it."
About five minutes later ,there was a terrible crash and a bang, a 
bit of yelling and the sound of a body falling down the stairs.
Walking back in the door with a blackened eye and a bloody nose 
comes Angus. Maggie looked at him and said, " My gosh Angus 
what happened tae ye? Did  ye ask her like ah telt ye?".
" Aye " says Angus. " I asked her tae sew on the wee button, and she 
did, everything was going fine until she bent doon tae bite off the wee 
bit thread. That's when Mr MacDonald walked in."    
1) How long did the Hundred Years War last?
 2) Which country makes Panama hats?
 3) >From which animal do we get catgut?
 4) In which month do Russians celebrate the October Revolution?
 5) What is a camel's hair brush made of?
 6) The Canary Islands in the Pacific are named after what animal?
 7) What was King George VI's first name? 
8) What colour is a purple finch?
 9) Where are Chinese gooseberries from?
 10) What is the colour of the black box in a commercial airplane?
 All done? Check your answers below! 
 1) How long did the Hundred Years War last?
 *116 years
 2) Which country makes Panama hats? 
 3) From which animal do we get cat gut?
 *Sheep and Horses
 4) In which month do Russians celebrate the October Revolution?
 5) What is a camel's hair brush made of? 
*Squirrel fur
 6) The Canary Islands in the Pacific are named after what animal?
 7) What was King George VI's first name?
 8) What colour is a purple finch?
9) Where are Chinese gooseberries from?
 *New Zealand
 10) What is the colour of the black box in a commercial airplane?
 *Orange, of course.
 What do you mean you failed?! 
Pass this on to some other brilliant friends

Senior Wedding
Jacob, age 92, and Rebecca, age 89, living in Miami, are all excited 
about their decision to get married. They go for a stroll to discuss
 the wedding, and on the way they pass a drugstore ... Jacob suggests 
they go in.
Jacob addresses the man behind the counter:    "Are you the owner?"
The pharmacist answers, "Yes."
Jacob: "We're about to get married. Do you sell heart medication?" 
Pharmacist: "Of course, we do."
Jacob: "How about medicine for circulation?"
Pharmacist: "All kinds."
Jacob: "Medicine for rheumatism?"
Pharmacist: "Definitely."
Jacob: "How about suppositories?"
Pharmacist: "You bet!"
Jacob: "Medicine for memory problems, arthritis and Alzheimer's?"
Pharmacist: "Yes, a large variety. The works."
Jacob: "What about vitamins, sleeping pills, Geritol, antidotes for 
Parkinson's disease?"
Pharmacist: "Absolutely."
Jacob: "Everything for heartburn and indigestion?"
Pharmacist: "We sure do."
Jacob: "You sell wheelchairs and walkers and canes?"
Pharmacist: "All speeds and sizes."
Jacob: "Adult diapers?"
Pharmacist: "Sure."
Jacob: "We'd like to use this store as our Bridal Registry."


73 de dave

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