GM3YEW > HUMOUR 28.04.18 15:16l 329 Lines 8870 Bytes #87 (0) @ WW
BID : 9052_GB7YEW
Subj: jokes 17/4
Sent: 180417/0715Z 9052@GB7YEW.GB7YEW.#79.GBR.EURO BPQ6.0.14
As Grandmother used to say
The grass is always greener on the other side
Two Irishmen are hammering floorboards down in a house.
Paddy picks up a nail, realises it's upside down & throws it
He carries on doing this until Murphy says, "Why are you throwing
"Because they're upside down," says Paddy.
"You daft prat," replies Murphy, "save 'em for the ceiling!!"
A Muslim refugee kid in Saskatoon asks his mother, "Mama,
what's the difference between Democracy and Racism?" Mother
(in Burkha) - "Well, son, Democracy is when Canadian taxpayers
work hard every day so that we can get all our benefits.....you
know, like free housing, free health care, free education and
grants to build Mosques and Community Centres, more welfare
payments than Canadian pensioners get, and so on and so forth,
"But Mama, don't the Canadian taxpayers get angry about that?ö
“Sure they doö she replied
“That's what we call Racism.ö
Never more clearly & simply explained.
?Our Phones - Wireless
?Cooking - Fireless
?Cars - Keyless
?Food - Fatless
?Dress - Sleeveless
?Youth - Jobless
?Leaders - Shameless
?Relationships - Meaningless
?Attitudes - Careless
?Babies - Fatherless
?Feelings - Heartless
?Education - Valueless
?Children – Mannerless
And our Politicians-are WORTHLESS!
I'm scared – Sh1tless
There was a Scottish painter named Wayne who was very interested
in making a penny where he could, so he often thinned down his paint
to make it go a wee bit further.
As it happened, he got away with this for some time, but eventually the
Catholic Church decided to do a big restoration job on the outside of
one of their biggest buildings.
Wayne put in a bid, and, because his price was so low, he got the job.
So he set about erecting the scaffolding and setting up the planks, and
buying the paint and, yes, I am sorry to say, thinning it down with turpentine.
Well, Wayne was up on the scaffolding, painting away, the job nearly
completed, when suddenly there was a horrendous clap of thunder, the
sky opened, and the rain poured down washing the thinned paint from all
over the church and knocking Wayne clear off the scaffold to land on
the lawn among the gravestones, surrounded by telltale puddles of the
thinned and useless paint.
Wayne was no fool. He knew this was a judgment from the Almighty,
so he got down on his knees and cried: "Oh, God, forgive me; what
should I do?"
And from the thunder, a mighty voice spoke..
"Repaint! Repaint! And thin no more!"
At The Picnic
The wife chewed out her husband at the company picnic a while back.
"Doesn't it embarrass you that people have seen you go up to the buffet
Table five times???"
"Not a bit," the husband replied. "I just tell them I'm filling up the
Plate for you!"
Bizarre Facts About Frogs
Frogs don't drink water - they absorb water through their skin.
Every species of frog has its own mating call, made only by the males. The
Call has two parts - "a whine," which the whole species uses, and a "chuck"
Which is the individual frog's calling card.
An Australian frog hatches its offspring in its stomach, then spits out
Fully developed frogs - sometimes more than 20 at once.
The skin of some poisonous frogs is so toxic that it will kill any creature
That bites it. Only 1/100,000 of a gram of skin poison from one species is
Enough to kill a man.
Flying frogs do exist, but they don't really fly - they can't gain height
In the air. Instead, they glide. Top speed: 24 kilometres per hour, fastest
Of all amphibians.
Reputedly, there's a frog in Australia that excretes a hallucinogenic
Slime. Natives lick it to get high.
According to an expert, "One frog in Colombia is so toxic that local
Indians merely wipe their arrows across its skin to poison the tips."
Another expert reports "a frog from Ethiopia has teeth like protrusions and
Eats snails - shells and all."
1) I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with 'Guess' on it. I said,
2) When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bike. Then I
Realized that The Lord doesn't work that way, so I stole one and asked
Him to forgive me.
3) I've often wanted to drown my troubles, but I can't get my wife to go
4) I was doing some decorating, so I got out my step-ladder. I don't get
On with my real ladder.
5) Well I was bullied at school, called all kinds of different names.
But one day I turned to my bullies and said - 'Sticks and stones may
Break my bones but names will never hurt me', and it worked! From there
On it was sticks and stones all the way.
6) My Dad used to say 'always fight fire with fire', which is probably
Why he got thrown out of the fire brigade.
7) Sex is like a game of bridge: If you don't have a good partner, you'd
Better have a good hand.
8) I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbour
Said 'Are you going to help?' I said 'No, Six should be enough.'
9) If we aren't supposed to eat animals, then why are they made out of
10) I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all-nervous and
Give the wrong answers.
11) You know that look women get when they want sex? Me neither.
Peter Kay's questions...
1. Why does your gynaecologist leave the room when you get undressed?
2. If a person owns a piece of land do they own it all the way down to
The core of the earth
3. Why can't women put on mascara with their mouth closed?
4. Is it possible to brush your teeth without wiggling your back side
5. Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first thing you do is
Stand up and say, 'My name is Bob, and I am an alcoholic'?
6. Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
7. Why does mineral water that 'has trickled through mountains for
Centuries''s have a 'use by' date?
8. Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a
Horrible crisp no one would eat?
9. Is French kissing in France just called kissing?
10. Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, 'I think I'll
Squeeze these dangly things here and drink whatever comes out'?
11. What do people in China call their good plates?
12. Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but
Don't point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom?
13. Why is a person that handles your money called a 'Broker'?
14. If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?
15. Why is it that when someone tells you that there are over billion
Stars in the universe, you believe them, but if they tell you there is
Wet paint somewhere, you have to touch it to make sure?
16. Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad
At you but when you take him on a car ride, he sticks his head out of
Peter Kay's Universal Truths
1) Triangular sandwiches taste better than square ones.
2) At the end of every party there is always a girl crying.
3) One of the most awkward things that can happen in a pub is when your
pint-to-toilet cycle gets synchronised with a complete stranger.
4) You've never quite sure whether it's ok to eat green crisps.
5) Everyone who grew up in the 80's has entered the digits 55378008 into
6) Reading when you're drunk is horrible.
7) You're never quite sure whether it's against the law or not to have a
fire in your back garden.
8) Nobody ever dares make cup-a-soup in a bowl.
9) You never know where to look when eating a banana.
10) Rummaging in an overgrown garden will always turn up a bouncy ball.
11) Everyone always remembers the day a dog ran into your school.
12) The most embarrassing thing you can do as schoolchild is to call
your teacher mum or dad.
13) Every bloke has at some stage while taking a pee, flushed half way
through and then raced against the flush.
14) Its impossible to look cool whilst picking up a Frisbee.
15) You never ever run out of salt.
16) There's no panic like the panic you momentarily feel when you've got
your hand or head stuck in something.
17) No one knows the origins of their metal coat hangers.
18) Despite constant warning, you have never met anybody who has had
their arm broken by a swan.
19) The most painful household incident is wearing socks and stepping on
an upturned plug.
20) People who don't drive slam car doors too hard.
21) You've turned into your dad the day you put aside a thin piece of
wood specifically to stir paint with.
22) Everyone had an uncle who tried to steal their nose.
73 de dave
Read previous mail | Read next mail