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GM3YEW > HUMOUR   20.11.17 10:45l 160 Lines 4922 Bytes #14 (0) @ WW
BID : 12700_GB7YEW
Subj: Jokes 20/11
Sent: 171120/0837Z 12700@GB7YEW.#79.GBR.EURO BPQ6.0.14

  As Grandmother used to say 
 Chimney smoke descends, our nice weather ends
A property manager of single-family residence was showing a unit to
Prospective tenants and asking the usual questions.
"Professionally employed?" he asked.
"We're a military family," the wife answered.   
"Oh, yes, ages nine and twelve," she answered proudly.   
"Oh, no," she said earnestly. "They're very well behaved."   
"We can stay out late tonight," Joe told his friend Brad.   
"My wife's gone for a two-week vacation in the Caribbean."   
"Jamaica?" Brad asked.   
"No, it was her idea."   
Yesterday, I went for a check-up and, concluding his exam, the doctor told
Me, "I find very little wrong with you. You are in surprisingly good health
Despite your age and being being quite overweight. My advice to you is
This: If you want to stay healthy, give up those posh dinners for two -
Unless you have someone to share them with."
Newly Discovered Parchment
This parchment just unearthed in a 1902 time capsule found in the grounds
Of Farquar Manor, Kent.
"Please pass this parchment to your fellow gentlemen via royal mail postal
Service or messenger. What follows is a amusing and humorous account of
Living in the modern age in the year of our Lord 1902.
You know you are living in 1902 when:
1) Your chimney sweep is over the age of ten because of new fangled child
Labour laws.
2) You no longer play your pianissimo in the evenings as your right arm is
Weary from winding up the gramophone record player.
3) Working class people are allowed jobs in the same company as you.
4) You have twenty types of hat in your wardrobe, one for every occasion.
5) It is no longer illegal to shoot a Frenchman on sight.
6) You exchange your pony and trap for a one of those new motorcars and
Find that it is slower because the man with the red flag can only walk so
7) You've seen a woman's ankle and not been obliged to marry her
8) You feel nostalgic when you see toy soldiers with bright red tunics.
9) As you read this you nod and smile and then make a list of all your
Friends to send this to, passing instructions to your valet to inscribe it
And send it to them.
Husband's Cheque
Proud and pleased as she could be, the new, young bride, Mrs. Stanford
Strothers, strode briskly up to the teller's cage at the bank to cash her
husbands' pay cheque for the first time.
When the teller told her the cheque would have to be endorsed, the bride
Grabbed the pen and unhesitatingly wrote on the back, "I heartily recommend
My husband, Stanford Strothers."
Giving a man his physical, a doctor noticed several dark, ugly bruises on
His shins, so he asked, "Do you play hockey, soccer, or any physical sport?"
"No. I play bridge with my wife."   

Interesting True Tombstones! 

* Harry Edsel Smith of Albany, New York: Born 1903-Died 1942. 
Looked up the elevator shaft to see if the car was on the way down. It was. 

* In a Thurmont, Maryland, cemetery: Here lies an Atheist - 
All dressed up And no place to go. 

* On the grave of Ezekial Aikle in East Dalhousie Cemetery, 
Nova Scotia: Here lies Ezekial Aikle, Age 102. The Good Die Young. 

* In a London, England cemetery: Here lies Ann Mann, Who 
Lived an old maid But died an old Mann. Dec. 8, 1767. 

* In a Ribbesford, England, cemetery: Anna Wallace: The 
Children of Israel wanted bread, And the Lord sent them 
Manna. Old clerk Wallace wanted a wife, And the Devil sent him Anna. 

* In a Ruidoso, New Mexico, cemetery: Here lies Johnny 
Yeast.. Pardon me For not rising. 

* In a Uniontown, Pennsylvania, cemetery: Here lies the body 
Of Jonathan Blake. Stepped on the gas Instead of the brake. 

* In a Silver City, Nevada, cemetery: Here lays The Kid. We 
Planted him raw. He was quick on the trigger But slow on the draw. 

* A lawyer's epitaph in England: Sir John Strange. Here lies 
An honest lawyer, And that is Strange.

* John Penny's epitaph in the Wimborne, England, cemetery: 
Reader, if cash thou art In want of any, Dig 6 feet deep; 
And thou wilt find a Penny.

* In a cemetery in Hartscombe, England: On the 22nd of June, 
Jonathan Fiddle Went out of tune. 

* Anna Hopewell's grave in Enosburg Falls, Vermont: Here 
lies the body of our Anna - Done to death by a banana. It 
wasn't the fruit that laid her low, But the skin of the 
thing that made her go. 

* On a grave from the 1880s in Nantucket, Massachusetts: 
Under the sod and under the trees, Lies the body of Jonathan 
Pease. He is not here, there's only the pod. Pease shelled 
out and went to God.

* To which someone replied by writing on the tombstone: To 
follow you I'll not consent Until I know which way you went. 

73 de dave

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