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GM3YEW > HUMOUR   25.11.17 10:43l 261 Lines 7199 Bytes #19 (0) @ WW
BID : 12988_GB7YEW
Read: GUEST
Subj: Jokes 25/11
Path: IW2OHX<IQ2LB<IR2UFV<IR0UGN<CT2KCK<KE0GB<GB7YEW
Sent: 171125/0837Z 12988@GB7YEW.#79.GBR.EURO BPQ6.0.14

   
 
  As Grandmother used to say 
 
 When stars shine clear and bright, we will have a very cold night
 
 

Malapropisms
------------
He's a wolf in cheap clothing.
 
It was a case of love at Versailles.
 
He's got one of those sight-seeing dogs.
 
In Algiers, they spend most of their time at the cash bar.
 
My sister has extra-century perception.
 
A fool and his money are some party.
 
All's fear in love and war.
 
Nip it in the butt.
 
Some viruses can lie doormat for years.
 
To each his zone.
 
Michelangelo painted the Sixteenth Chapel.
 
Agreed, no more negotiating - it's a dumb deal.
 
It's a long road to hold.
 
All I want from you kids is a little piece of quiet.
 
 
 
Casinos
-------
Because an increasing number of people are having heart attacks while
Gambling, the big, high-class casinos are now equipped with sophisticated
Defibrillators. They are computer-controlled to deliver the exact electric
Shock needed to revive a heart attack victim. That is, if you're at a big,
High-class casino.
 
At the cheaper casinos downtown, they just drag you across the carpet and
Touch your finger to the doorknob.


---------
 


TEACHER:       Maria, go to the map and find North America.

MARIA:           Here it is.

TEACHER:       Correct. Now class, who discovered America?

CLASS:            Maria.

__________________________________________

TEACHER:    Why are you late, Frank?

FRANK:         Because of the sign.

TEACHER:    What sign?

FRANK:        The one that says, "School Ahead, 
Go Slow."

_________________________________

TEACHER:   John, why are you doing your math 
multiplication on the floor?

JOHN:      You told me to do it without using 
tables.

__________________________________________

TEACHER:   Glenn, how do you spell "crocodile?"

GLENN:     K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L"

TEACHER:   No, that's wrong

GLENN:     Maybe it s wrong, but you asked me 
how I spell   it.

_______________________________________________

TEACHER:   Donald, what is the chemical formula 
for water?

DONALD:    H I J K L M N O.

TEACHER:   What are you talking about?

DONALD:    Yesterday, you said it's H to O.

__________________________________

TEACHER:   Winnie, name one important thing we have 
today that we didn't  have ten years ago.

WINNIE:    Me!

__________________________________________

TEACHER:   Gus, why do you always get so dirty?

GUS:       Cause I'm a lot closer to the ground than 
you   are.

_______________________________________

TEACHER:   Millie, give me a sentence starting with "I."

MILLIE:    I is...

TEACHER:   No, Millie..... Always say, "I am."

MILLIE:    All right. I am the ninth letter of the   
alphabet.


_________________________________

TEACHER:   George Washington not only chopped down his 
father's cherry tree, but also admitted it.  Now,Louie, 
do you know why his father didn't punish  him?
 


LOUIS:     Because George still had the ax in his hand.

______________________________________

TEACHER:   Now, Simon, tell me frankly, do you say prayers   
before eating?

SIMON:     No sir, I don't have to. My Mom's a good cook.

______________________________

TEACHER:   Clyde, your composition on "My Dog" is exactly 
the   same as your brother's.   Did you copy his?

CLYDE :    No, teacher, it's the same dog.

___________________________________

TEACHER:  Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on 
talking when people  are no longer interested?

HAROLD:   A teacher.


 
 
A Quiz For Know It All People
-----------------------------
This is a quiz for people who know everything!  I found out in a hurry that
I didn't. These are not trick questions. They are straight questions with
Straight answers.
 
1. Name the one sport in which neither the spectators nor the participants
Know the score or the leader until the contest ends.
 
2. What famous North American landmark is constantly moving backward?
 
3. Of all vegetables, only two can live to produce on their own for several
Growing seasons. All other vegetables must be replanted every year. What
Are the only two perennial vegetables?
 
4. Name the only sport in which the ball is always in possession of the
Team on defence, and the offensive team can score without touching the
Ball?
 
5. What fruit has its seeds on the outside?
 
6. In many liquor stores, you can buy pear brandy, with a real pear inside
The bottle. The pear is whole and ripe, and the bottle is genuine; it
Hasn't been cut in any way. How did the pear get inside the bottle?
 
7. Only three words in standard English begin with the letters "dw" and
they are all common words. Name two of them.
 
8. There are 14 punctuation marks in English grammar. Can you name at least
half of them?
 
9. Where are the lakes that are referred to in the Los Angeles Lakers?
 
10. There are 7 ways a baseball player can legally reach first base without
getting a hit. Taking a base on balls (a walk) is one way. Name the other 6.
 
11. Name the only vegetable or fruit that is never sold frozen, canned,
processed, cooked, or in any other form except fresh.
 
12. Name 6 or more things that you can wear on your feet beginning with the
letter "S."
 
Answers To Quiz:
 
1. The one sport in which neither the spectators nor the participants know
the score or the leader until the contest ends . . . boxing
 
2. North American landmark constantly moving backward . . . Niagara Falls
(The rim is worn down about two and a half feet each year because of the
millions of gallons of water that rush over it every minute.)
 
3. Only two vegetables that can live to produce on their own for several
growing seasons . . asparagus and rhubarb.
 
4. The only sport in which the ball is always in . possession of the team
on defense, and the offensive team can score without touching the ball. . .
baseball.
 
5. The fruit with its seeds on the outside . . strawberry.
 
6. How did the pear get inside the brandy bottle? It grew inside the
bottle. (The bottles are placed over pear buds when they are small, and are
wired in place on the tree. The bottle is left in place for the entire
growing season. When the pears are ripe, they are snipped off at the
stems.)
 
7. Three English words beginning with dw..... dwarf, dwell and dwindle.
 
8. Fourteen punctuation marks in English grammar . . period, comma, colon,
semicolon, dash, hyphen, apostrophe, question mark, exclamation point,
quotation marks, brackets, parenthesis, braces, and ellipses.
 
9. The original lakes referred to in Lakers . . in Minnesota. (The team was
originally known as the Minneapolis Lakers, and kept the name when they
moved west.)
 
10. Seven ways a baseball player can legally reach first base without
getting a hit . . . taking a base on balls (a walk). . batter hit by a
pitch, passed ball, catcher interference, catcher drops third strike,
fielder's choice, and being designated as a pinch-runner.
 
11. The only vegetable or fruit never sold frozen, canned, processed,
cooked, or in any other form but fresh .... lettuce.
 
12. Six or more things you can wear on your feet beginning with "s" . . ..
shoes, socks, sandals, sneakers, slippers, skis, skates, snowshoes,
stockings, stilts.
 
 

 

73 de dave
gm3yew@gb7yew
 


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