GM3YEW > HUMOUR 30.11.17 12:31l 202 Lines 6233 Bytes #24 (0) @ WW
BID : 13281_GB7YEW
Subj: Jokes 30/11
Sent: 171130/1028Z 13281@GB7YEW.#79.GBR.EURO BPQ6.0.14
As Grandmother used to say
Look for rain when the crow flies low
During a commercial airline flight an Air Force Pilot was seated
next to a young mother with a babe in arms . When the baby
began crying during the descent for landing, the mother began
nursing the infant as discreetly as possible. The pilot pretended
not to notice and, upon disembarking, he gallantly offered his
assistance to help with the various baby-related impedimenta.
When the young mother expressed her gratitude, the pilot responded,
"Gosh, that's a good looking baby...and he sure was hungry!"
Somewhat embarrassed, the mother explained that her pediatrician
said that the time spent on the breast would help alleviate the pressure
in the baby's ears.
The Air Force Pilot sadly shook his head, and in true pilot fashion
exclaimed, "And all these years, I've been chewing gum."
A recent study conducted by Glasgow University found that the
average Scotsman walks about 900 miles a year.
Another study by the Scottish Medical Association found that Scotsmen
drink, on average, 22 gallons of alcohol a year.
This means, on average, Scotsmen get about 41 miles to the gallon.
Kind Of Makes You Proud To Be Scottish!
A man in Scotland calls his son in London the day before Christmas Eve
And says, I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your
Mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough.
'Dad, what are you talking about?' the son screams.
We can't stand the sight of each other any longer,' the father says.
'We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you
Call your sister in Leeds and tell her.'
Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. 'Like hell
They're getting divorced,' she shouts, 'I'll take care of this,'
She calls Scotland immediately, and screams at her father, 'You are NOT
Getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling
My brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do
A thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?' and hangs up.
The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. 'Okay,' he says,
'they're coming for Christmas - and they're paying their own way..'
Sexual nature -
1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me,
for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me for the path is narrow.
In fact, just f... Off and leave me alone.
2. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a flat tire.
3. Sex is like air. It's not important unless you aren't getting any.
4. Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.
5. No one is listening until you fart.
6. Always remember you're unique. Just like everyone else.
7. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
8. If you think nobody cares whether you're alive or dead, try missing a
couple of mortgage payments.
9. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes.
That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have
10. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
11. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish,
and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
12. If you lend someone £20 and never see that person again, it was
probably worth it.
13. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.
14. Some days you are the bug; some days you are the windshield.
15. Don't worry; it only seems kinky the first time.
16. Good judgment comes from bad experience, and a lot of that
comes from bad judgment.
17. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half
and put it back in your pocket.
18. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
19. Duct tape is like the Force. It has a light side and a dark side,
and it holds the universe together.
20. There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.
21. Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips
22. A closed mouth gathers no foot.
The lady was a Southern Baptist who attended services and taught Sunday
School every week.
One Sunday, an out-of-town acquaintance, a gentleman, was in the pew
right behind her. He noted what a fine looking woman she was.
While they were taking up the collection, the man leaned forward and said,
'How about you and I having dinner on Tuesday?
'Why yes, that would be nice,' the lady responded.
The gentleman couldn't believe his luck.
On Tuesday he picked the lady up and took her to the finest restaurant in
that part of the state. When they sat down, the gentleman looked over at
her and suggested,'Would you like a cocktail before dinner?'
'Oh, no,' said this fine example of Southern womanhood, 'Whatever would
I tell my Sunday School class?'
Our gentleman was set back a bit, so he didn't say much until after dinner.
When he pulled out a pack of cigarettes and asked, 'Would you like a smoke?'
'Oh my, goodness, NO,' said the woman. 'I couldn't face my Sunday School
class if I did.'
Our boy felt pretty low after that, so they left, got in his car and as he was
driving the lady home, they passed the local Holiday Inn.
He'd been morally rebuffed twice already, so he figured he had nothing to lose
so he ventured forth with, 'Ahhh, mmmm, how would you like to stop at this
'Sure, that would be nice,' she said with anticipation!
The gentleman couldn't believe his ears, and did a fast U-turn right then and
there and drove back to the motel and checked in.
In the morning, after a wild and passionate night, the gentleman woke up first.
He looked at the lovely Dixie Darling lying there in the bed and with remorse
thought, 'What the heck have I done?'
He shook her awake and pleaded, 'I've got to ask you one thing, whatever are
you going to tell your Sunday school class?'
The lady said, 'The same thing I always tell them: You don't have to smoke and
drink to have a good time.'
73 de dave
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