GM3YEW > HUMOUR 02.12.17 11:47l 174 Lines 4966 Bytes #26 (0) @ WW
BID : 13430_GB7YEW
Subj: Jokes 2/12
Sent: 171202/0948Z 13430@GB7YEW.#79.GBR.EURO BPQ6.0.14
As Grandmother used to say
Wells give murky water before rain
Some tourists in the Museum are marvelling at the dinosaur bones. One of
Them asks the guard, "Can you tell me how old the dinosaur bones are?"
The guard replies, "They are three million, four years, and six months
"That's an awfully exact number," says the tourist. "How do you know their
Age so precisely?"
The guard answers, "Well, the dinosaur bones were three million years old
When I started working here, and that was four and a half years ago!"
An elderly man was standing in front of the ticket office in Grand Central
Station. A picture of utter helplessness, it was clear something was
Horribly wrong with him. He stood with his elbows pressed closely at his
Side. His forearms were rigidly extended before him and his palms were
Turned towards each other about ten inches apart. Apparently, the man was
A young woman approached him. "Can I do anything to help you?" she asked.
"Oh, thank you. Please put your hand in my coat pocket and take out money
To buy me a ticket to Philadelphia."
The woman complied. She bought the ticket and accompanied the crippled man
On the train, to make sure he was settled before leaving him.
"I hope you have a complete recovery. Are you visiting an out of town
"A specialist," replied the cripple. "Why should I go to a specialist?"
"To treat you for the trouble with your hands."
"But, I have no trouble with my hands."
"Of course you have trouble with your hands. Why, you couldn't even reach
Into your pocket to get the money to buy your ticket."
"Oh, you're wondering why my hands are like this. My wife asked me that
When I go to Philadelphia to buy her a pairs of shoes. This is her size."
Sexual content -
An American golfer playing in Ireland hooked his drive
Into the woods.
Looking for his ball, he finds a wee Leprechaun flat on
His back, a big bump on his head and the golfer's ball beside him.
Horrified, the golfer got his Scotch from the cart and
Poured it over the little guy, reviving him.
"Arrgh! What happened?" the Leprechaun asked. "Oh, I see.
Well, ye got me fair and square. Ye get three wishes, so whaddya
"Thank God, you're all right!" the golfer answers in
Relief. "I don't want anything. I'm just glad you're okay, and I
Apologize. I really didn't mean to hit you." And the golfer walks off.
"What a nice guy," the Leprechaun says to himself. "But it
Was fair and square that he got me, and I have to do something for
Him. I'll give him the three things I would want-a great golf game,
All the money he ever needs, and a fantastic sex life."
A year goes by (as it does in stories like this) and the
American golfer is back on the same hole, he again hits a bad drive
Into woods and the Leprechaun is there waiting for him.
"'Twas me that made ye hit the ball here," the little guy
Says. "I just want to ask ye, how's yer golf game?"
"My game is fantastic!" the golfer answers. "In fact,
that's the first bad ball I've hit in a year! I'm an internationally
Famous golfer now." He adds, "By the way, it's good to see you're
"Oh, I'm fine now, thankee. I did that fer yer golf game,
And tell me, how's yer money situation?"
"Why, it's just wonderful!" the golfer states. "I win
Fortunes in golf." If I need cash, I just reach in my pocket and pull
Out £100 notes I didn't even know were there!"
"I did that fer ye also. And tell me, how's yer sex life?"
The golfer blushes, turns his head away embarrassed, and
says shyly, "It's OK."
"C'mon, c'mon now," urged the Leprechaun, "I'm wanting to
know if I did good job. How many times a day? "
Blushing even more, the golfer looks around then whispers,
"Once, sometimes twice a week."
"What?!?!" responds the Leprechaun in shock. "That's all?
Only once or twice a week?"
"Well," says the golfer, "I figure that's not bad for a
Catholic priest in a small parish"
Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.
'In honour of this holy season' Saint Peter said, 'You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven.'
The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. 'It represents a candle', he said.
'You may pass through the pearly gates' Saint Peter said.
The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, 'They're bells.'
Saint Peter said 'You may pass through the pearly gates'.
The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties.
St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, 'And just what do those symbolize?'
The man replied, 'These are Carols.'
73 de dave
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