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GM3YEW > HUMOUR   14.05.18 20:32l 199 Lines 4366 Bytes #16 (0) @ WW
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  As Grandmother used to say 
 Little snow in the winter - Summer will have little rain
Patient: "Doctor, doctor! I feel like a baby goat."
Doctor: "You've got to be kidding."
How should you treat a baby goat?
With kid gloves.
As one goat said to another, "I kid you not."

Which of the following names are you familiar with?        
1. Monica Lewinski
2. Tony Blair
3. Robert Mugabe
4. Jeremy Corbyn
5. Jorge Bergoglio
6. Winnie Mandela
7. Vladimir Putin
8. Linda Lovelace
9. Sepp Blatter
So, you had trouble with Number 5 ??
Fair enough, Scroll down
Typical..... You know the  criminals, murderers, thieves, 
sluts, liars and cheats, but you don't know the Pope !!


Why did the cat join the Red Cross?
She wanted to be a first aid kit.
What happened when the poker player's cat swallowed a dime?
There was money in the kitty.
Why are kittens such good TV announcers?
They have wee paws for station identification.

To be posted VERY LOW on the refrigerator door -pet nose height. 
Dear Dogs and Cats: 
The dishes with the paw prints are yours and contain your food. The other 
dishes are mine and contain my food. Please note, placing a paw print in the 
middle of my plate and food does not stake a claim for it becoming your 
food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in slightest.
The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack. 
Beating me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn't help because 
I fall faster than you can run.
I cannot buy anything bigger than a king sized bed. I am very sorry about this. 
Do not think I will continue sleeping on the couch to ensure your comfort. 
Dogs and cats can actually curl up in a ball when they sleep. It is not necessary 
to sleep perpendicular to each other stretched out to the fullest extent possible. 
I also know that sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out the 
other end to maximize space is nothing but sarcasm. 
For the last time, there is no secret exit from the bathroom. If by some miracle 
I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, 
whine, meow, try to turn the knob or get your paw under the edge and try to 
pull the door open. I must exit through the same door I entered. Also, I have 
been using the bathroom for years -- canine or feline attendance is not required.
The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other dog or cat's butt. I cannot 
stress this enough! 
To pacify you, my dear pets, I have posted the following message on our front door: 
To All Non-Pet Owners Who Visit & Like to Complain About Our Pets: 
1. They live here. You don't. 
2. If you don't want their hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture. That's why they 
call it 'fur'niture. 
3. I like my pets a lot better than I like most people. 
4. To you, they are an animal. To me, he/she is an adopted son/daughter who is short, 
hairy, walks on all fours and doesn't speak clearly. 
Remember: Dogs and cats are better than kids because they: 
1. Eat less 
2. Don't ask for money all the time 
3. Are easier to train 
4. Normally come when called 
5. Never ask to drive the car 
6. Don't hang out with drug-using friends 
7. Don't smoke or drink 
8. Don't have to buy the latest fashions 
9. Don't want to wear your clothes 
10. Don't need a gazillion dollars for college. 
11. If they get pregnant, you can sell their children!! 
Of a SEXUAL nature



A Kiwi and an Aussie were sitting around talking one afternoon over a cold beer.
After a while the Aussie says to the Kiwi, 
"If I was to sneak over to your house and make love to your wife while you were off fishing,
and she got pregnant and had a baby, would that make us related?"

"The Kiwi crooked his head sideways for a minute, scratched his head, 
and squinted his eyes thinking real hard about the question. 
Finally, he says,
"Well, I don't know about being related, but it would make us even." 

73 de dave

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