GM3YEW > HUMOUR 01.05.18 09:36l 323 Lines 8481 Bytes #90 (0) @ WW
BID : 10259_GB7YEW
Subj: jokes 1/5
Sent: 180501/0731Z 10259@GB7YEW.GB7YEW.#79.GBR.EURO BPQ6.0.14
As Grandmother used to say
Do business best when the wind's in the west
Puns for those with a higher IQ
Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead-to-know basis.
A guy gets shipwrecked. When he wakes up, he's on a beach. The sand is dark
He can't believe it. The sky is dark red. He walks around a bit and sees
There is dark red grass, dark red birds and dark red fruit on the dark red
Trees. He's shocked when he finds that his skin is starting to turn dark
"Oh no!!" he says.
"I think I've been marooned!!"
Husband and wife are shopping in Tesco's when the man picks up a
crate of Stella and sticks it into the trolley
'What do you think you're doing?' asks the wife
'They're on offer, only £10 for 12 cans', he says
'Put them back. We can't afford it,' says the wife and they carry on
A few aisles later the woman picks up a £20 jar of face cream and
sticks it into the trolley.
'What do you think you're doing?' asks the man,
'It's my face cream. It makes me look beautiful,' she says
The man replies... 'SO DOES 12 CANS OF STELLA AND IT'S
HALF THE PRICE!!
A man who wants a big, ferocious dog to protect his business visits a
Kennel that specializes in attack dogs.
"I want the biggest, meanest, most vicious dog in the kennel."
"I have several dogs like that, but one in particular I think may meet be
Best for you."
They come upon a large dog snarling loudly and biting and clawing at his
"He looks like he'd be a pretty good attack dog."
"Well, he's not bad, but I have something better in mind for you."
The next dog is even larger and meaner-looking. He snarls at the two men
And tries to bite them through the wire on his cage, nearly snapping the
Wires in the process.
"Ah! This must be the dog!"
"Well, no. Wait 'till you see the next one."
Eventually, they come to a fairly large dog lying quietly on his side,
Licking his butt. He takes no notice as the men approach.
"This is the dog."
"You're joking! This dog is tame; he doesn't act like an attack dog at all.
He's just lying there quietly, licking his butt!"
"Yes, you see ... He just ate a tax collector, and he's trying to get the
Taste out of his mouth."
The first mate was found to be drunk one day and that day it happened to be
The captain's turn to write in the ship's log so he wrote :
The first mate was drunk today.
He begged and pleaded to the captain to remove that entry but the captain
Argued that once an entry was made in the company's log it couldn't be
Deleted. The first mate decided to get even.
The next time it when it was the first mate's turn to write in the log, he
The captain was sober today.
A minister told his congregation, "Next week I plan to preach about the sin
Of lying. To help you understand my sermon, I want you all to read Mark
The following Sunday, as he prepared to deliver his sermon, the minister
Asked for a show of hands. He wanted to know how many had read Mark 17.
Every hand went up.
The minister smiled and said, "Mark has only sixteen chapters. I will now
Proceed with my sermon on the sin of lying."
MORE Ways To Tell If Your Cat Is Too Fat
- Misty gives you the "Does this collar make me look fat" look
- Grits used your prized 100 year old elm tree for a scratching post until
The tree snapped in two
- The steel reinforced concrete supports for Tabby's "play house" are
Starting to bend
- Those "meows" are starting to sound an awful lot like "I'm not fat --
I'm just big-boned"
- Your vet refers you to a specialist ... Who specializes in cows and
- Birds and squirrels taunt him just out of paw's reach even when he isn't
- You now use a U-Haul for a pet carrier
- You buy cat food by the case: 1 case for breakfast, 1 case for dinner
They walked in tandem, each of the ninety-two students filing into the already
crowded auditorium. With their rich maroon gowns flowing .. and the
traditional caps, they looked almost ... as grown up as they felt.
Dads swallowed hard behind broad smiles, and Moms freely brushed away tears.
This class would NOT pray during the commencements----not by choice,
but because of a recent court ruling prohibiting it.
The principal and several students were careful to stay within the guidelines
allowed by the ruling. They gave inspirational and challenging speeches, but no
one mentioned divine guidance and no one asked for blessings on the graduates
or their families.
The speeches were nice, but they were routine.....until the final speech
received a standing ovation.
A solitary student walked proudly to the microphone. He stood still and silent
for just a moment, and then, it happened.
All 92 students, every single one of them, suddenly SNEEZED!!!!
The student on stage.. simply looked at the audience and said,
'GOD BLESS YOU'.
And he walked off stage...
The audience exploded into applause. This graduating class had found a unique
way to invoke God's blessing on their future with or without the court's approval.
This is a true story; it happened at the University of Maryland .
Oh, how I wish THIS one would take off and FILL the whole Country!!!
For where the name of God is invoked.. No danger will ensue.
As a bagpiper, I was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside
service for a homeless man who had no family or friends. The funeral was
to be held at a cemetery in the remote countryside and this man would be
the first to be laid to rest there.
As I was not familiar with the backwoods area, I became lost and being a
typical man, did not stop for directions. I finally arrived an hour late. I saw
the backhoe and the crew who were eating lunch but the hearse was
nowhere in sight.
I apologized to the workers for my tardiness and stepped to the side of the
open grave where I saw the vault lid already in place.
I assured the workers I would not hold them up for long but this was the
proper thing to do. The workers gathered around, still eating their lunch.
I played out my heart and soul.
As I played the workers began to weep. I played and I played like I'd
never played before, from Going Home and The Lord is My Shepherd to
Flowers of the Forest . I closed the lengthy session with Amazing Grace
and walked to my car.
As I was opening the door and taking off my coat, I overheard one of the
workers saying to another, Sweet Jeezuz, Mary 'n Joseph, I have never
seen nothin' like that before and I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty
Sexual content -
Paddy has broken his leg and his mate Mick goes round to see him.
Mick says 'how you doin?'
Fine Paddy says ' do us a favour, nip upstairs and get me slippers,
me feet are freezing.'
Mick goes upstairs and sees Paddy's gorgeous 19-year-old twin
daughters sitting on the bed ...
He says 'your dad's sent me up here to sh** the both of you '.
They say 'get away with ya.. prove it.'
Mick shouts downstairs 'Paddy, both of em?'
Paddy shouts back 'of course both of em, what's the point of f#***
HOW TO GET PERMISSION TO PLAY GOLF
Four married guys go golfing. During the 4th hole the following
conversation took place:
'You have no idea what I had to do to be able to come out golfing
this weekend. I had to promise my wife that I will paint every
room in the house next weekend.'
'That's nothing; I had to promise my wife that I will build her a new
deck for the pool.'
'Man, you both have it easy! I had to promise my wife that I will
remodel the kitchen for her.'
They continue to play the hole when they realised that the fourth guy
has not said a word.
So they ask him, 'You haven't said anything about what you had to
do to be able to come golfing this weekend. What's the deal?'
'I just set my alarm for 5:30am. When it went off, I gave the wife a
slap on the arse and said: 'Golf course or intercourse?' She said:
73 de dave
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