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GM3YEW > HUMOUR   03.12.17 11:03l 246 Lines 6814 Bytes #27 (0) @ WW
BID : 13498_GB7YEW
Subj: Jokes 3/12
Sent: 171203/0901Z 13498@GB7YEW.#79.GBR.EURO BPQ6.0.14

 As Grandmother used to say 
 Behind the clouds the sun is shining

Paddy and Mick were both laid off, so they went to the unemployment
office. When asked his occupation, Paddy answered, 'Knicker Stitcher. I
sew DA elastic onto ladies' knickers and thongs.'
The clerk looked up Knicker Stitcher on his computer and, finding it
classified as unskilled labour, he gave him 80 a week unemployment pay.
Mick was next in and when asked his occupation replied,'Diesel Fitter.'
Since a diesel fitter was a skilled job, the clerk gave Mick 160 a
When Paddy found out he was furious. He stormed back into the office to
find out why his friend and co-worker was collecting doub
Le his pay.
The clerk explained, 'Knicker Stitchers are unskilled labour and Diesel
Fitters are skilled labour.'
'What skill?' yelled Paddy.  'I sew DA elastic on DA knickers and
thongs, Then Mick puts 'em over his head and says: 'Yep, diesel fitter.'

Please accept with no obligation, implied or implicit our best wishes for an 

environmentally conscious, socially responsible, low stress, non-addictive, 

Gender neutral, celebration of the winter solstice holiday, practiced within 

the most enjoyable traditions of the religious persuasion of your choice, 

Secular practices of your choice, or with respect for the religious/secular 

persuasions and/or traditions of others, or their choice not to practice 

Religious/secular traditions at all.


We also wish you a fiscally successful, personally fulfilling, and medically 

uncomplicated recognition of the onset of the generally accepted calendar 

year 2018 


Of the common era, but not without due respect for the calendars of choice 

of other cultures, nor without regard to the race, creed, colour, age, physical 


IQ, chronological status, mental deficiencies, religious faith, or sexual 

preference or practices of the wishee.


By accepting this greeting, you are agreeing to these terms:

This greeting is subject to clarification or withdrawal.

It is freely transferable with no alteration to the original greeting.

It implies no promise by the wisher to actually implement any of the wishes for 

her/himself or others, and is void where prohibited by law, and is revocable 

At the sole discretion of the wisher.

This wish is warranted to perform as expected within the usual application of 

good tidings for a period of one year, or until the issuance of a subsequent 

Holiday greeting, whichever comes first, and warranty is limited to replacement 

of this wish or issuance of a new wish at the sole discretion of the wisher.

All taxes are the responsibility of the wishee, and the decision of a panel of 

arbitrators is final in the event of a dispute.


In spite of being advised that the above small print should be included, we will 

content ourselves with


Wishing you all a Very Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year.


Sincerely, Fraternally and Electronically,




Verbal Tennis between Men and Women

1- A girl says to her boyfriend: One kiss and I'll be yours forever.

The guy replies: Thanks for the warning.

2- A husband was asked: Do you talk to your wife after sex?

He replied: Depends, if I can find a phone   yes, why not?.

3- Man to wife on wedding night: Are you sure I'm the first man you are
Sleeping with?

She replies: Of course honey, I stayed awake with all the others!

4- A wife asked her husband: What do you like most in me, my pretty 

face or My sexy body?

He looked at her from head to toe and replied after a pause: I like your
Sense of humour.

5- Doctor to his lady patient:  You look terribly weak and exhausted! Are
You having your meals three times a day as I advised?

Lady: Doctor, I thought you said three males a day.


In evidence the court heard that the plaintiff in the case had taken an action against 

the proprietors of a local theatre. The background to the case was that, in the 

course of a recent performance at the theatre, his mobile telephone went off, and 

he was immediately requested by ushers to leave the auditorium. This incident had 

caused him no little measure of embarrassment, and he felt that the least he was 

entitled to was to have been re-imbursed for the price of admission. For their part, 

the directors of the theatre explained that patrons had been requested to ensure 

that their phones and pagers had been turned off. The play was a very serious one, 

and the interruption had come at a vital part when the whole point of the play was 


"It could be said," remarked the presiding judge, "that this was one of the audience 

who got the message."




A motorist in Kreuzlingen, Switzerland is facing a driving ban, after being caught 

four times by the same speed camera in the space of one minute and 37 seconds. 

The motorist unwittingly passed a speed trap before turning round at the next 

roundabout to investigate a mysterious flash. He drove past again, and once more 

was puzzled by a flash of light. It took two more attempts - both flashed before he 

spotted the camera perched on top of a traffic light.




At an evening of reminiscence about the war years held at Bournemouth, a lady 

delighted the audience with a memoir about a German prisoner-of-war who was 

sent each week to do her garden. He was repatriated at the end of 1945. She 

recalled: "He always seemed a nice friendly chap, but when the crocuses came 

up in the middle of our lawn in February 1946, they spelt out "Heil Hitler".


After their 11th child, an Egyptian couple decided that was enough as they 
could not afford a larger bed. 

 So the husband went to his doctor and told him that he and his cousin 
didn't want to have anymore children.

 The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could 
fix the problem but that it was expensive.  "A less costly alternative," said the 
doctor, "is to go home, get a cherry bomb, (fireworks are legal in Egypt) light 
it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to your ear and  count to 10." 

The Egyptian said to the doctor, "I may not be the smartest tool in the shed, 
but I don't see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can next to my ear is going 
to help me."

 "Trust me," said the doctor. 

So the man went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a beer can.  He held the 
can up to his ear and began to count...






 At which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs and resumed 
counting on his other hand.

 This procedure also works in other areas of the world. 

73 de dave

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