GM3YEW > HUMOUR 14.05.18 20:33l 187 Lines 5278 Bytes #16 (0) @ WW
BID : 3329_GB7YEW
Subj: jokes 1/2
Sent: 180201/0851Z 3329@GB7YEW.GB7YEW.#79.GBR.EURO BPQ6.0.14
As Grandmother used to say
Southwest wind - the weather will stay nasty for a long time
The Happy Dog's Bedtime Prayer (apparently written by Jay-Jay)
Now I lay me down to sleep,
The queen-size bed is soft and deep.
I sleep right in the centre groove
My human being can hardly move!
I've trapped her legs,
she's tucked in tight,
And here is where I pass the night.
No one disturbs me or dares intrude
Till morning comes and I want food!
I sneak up slowly and it begins
My nibbles on my human's chin.
She wakes up slowly and smiles and shouts,
"You darling beast! Just cut it out!"
But morning's here and it's time to play
I always seem to get my way.
So thank you, Lord, for giving me
This human person that I see
The one who hugs and holds me tight
and shares her bed with me at night!
Two show stallions are arguing over who should take best of breed.
The first says, "I'll grant you are the closest I have ever seen to my
Equal, but my legs are just a bit straighter than yours, and, you know, the
Legs are of prime importance. No foot, no horse!"
The second horse says, "I'll allow your legs are just a bit better than
Mine, but mine are the legs I was born with. I know for a fact you had
Thousands of dollars of corrective work. Your foals will inherit your
Natural legs, not your genius farrier!"
The first horse mulls this for a moment, then says, "You're right. I stand
There was a married couple sleeping and an intruder entered into their
House. The intruder put a knife to the neck of the woman and said, "I like
To know the names of my victims before I kill them, what is your name?"
"My name is Elizabeth," the woman replied.
The intruder said, "You remind me of my mother who was also named
Elizabeth, so I can't kill you."
The intruder then turned to the husband and asked, "What is your name?"
"My name's Phillip, but my friends call me Elizabeth."
Caution! Wet Painting!
James McNeill Whistler is reported to have displayed a just completed
Painting to Mark Twain.
Mark looked at the painting judiciously from a variety of angles and
Distances while Whistler waited impatiently for the verdict.
Finally, Mark leaned forward and, making an erasing gesture with his hand,
Said, "I'd eradicate that cloud if I were you."
Whistler cried out in agony, "Careful! The paint is still wet."
"That's all right," said Mark coolly. "I'm wearing gloves."
The older brother was on vacation in Europe, and his younger brother called
Him and said "Your cat died."
The older brother is in tears. "I loved that cat, I've had that cat for 20
Years, you can't just blurt out bad news on the phone like that. You need
To let me know gradually. You should have called and told me the cat was on
The roof, or something. Then the next day tell me the cat still won't come
Down. And then after you slowly work up to it, you can tell me the cat
The younger brother apologizes, and says he'll learn to be more sensitive
In the future.
"By the way," the older brother adds, "How's Mom?"
After a long silence, the younger brother says "She's up on the roof."
Two Pork Chops
"I'd like two pork chops," said the woman to the butcher, "and make them
"Yes ma'am," said the polite butcher, standing them on end. "Which way?"
Someone in our neighbourhood put a huge sofa out by the curb for trash
Collection. Since it was in good shape, many motorists slowed down for a
Look. But when they saw how enormous it was, they'd leave.
Eventually a compact car pulled up, and two men got out.
"This I've got to see," I thought.
They removed the cushions, turned the sofa upside down, and shook it hard.
Then they picked up all the coins that tumbled out and drove off.
A recent bride called her mother one evening in tears. "Oh, Mom, I tried to
Make Grandmother's meat loaf for dinner tonight, and it's just awful! I
followed the recipe exactly, and I know I have the recipe right because
it's the one you gave me. But it just didn't come out right, and I'm so
upset. I wanted this to be so special for George because he loves meat
loaf. What could have gone wrong?"
Her mother replied soothingly, "Well, dear, let's go through the recipe.
you read it out loud and tell me exactly what you did at each step, and
together we'll figure it out."
"OK," the bride sniffled. "Well, it starts out, 'Take fifty pence worth of
A lady got on a bus holding a baby. The bus
driver said, "That's the ugliest baby I've
In a huff, the lady slammed her fare into
the fare box and took an aisle seat near
the rear of the bus.
The man seated next to her sensed that she
was agitated and asked her what was wrong.
"The bus driver insulted me," she fumed.
The man sympathized and said, "Why, he's
a public servant and shouldn't say things
to insult passengers."
You're right," She said. "I think I'll go
back up there and give him a piece of my mind."
"That's a good idea," the man said. "Here,
let me hold your monkey."
73 de dave
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