GM3YEW > HUMOUR 03.12.17 11:03l 246 Lines 6814 Bytes #27 (0) @ WW
BID : 13498_GB7YEW
Subj: Jokes 3/12
Sent: 171203/0901Z 13498@GB7YEW.#79.GBR.EURO BPQ6.0.14
As Grandmother used to say
Behind the clouds the sun is shining
Paddy and Mick were both laid off, so they went to the unemployment
office. When asked his occupation, Paddy answered, 'Knicker Stitcher. I
sew DA elastic onto ladies' knickers and thongs.'
The clerk looked up Knicker Stitcher on his computer and, finding it
classified as unskilled labour, he gave him £80 a week unemployment pay.
Mick was next in and when asked his occupation replied,'Diesel Fitter.'
Since a diesel fitter was a skilled job, the clerk gave Mick £160 a
When Paddy found out he was furious. He stormed back into the office to
find out why his friend and co-worker was collecting doub
Le his pay.
The clerk explained, 'Knicker Stitchers are unskilled labour and Diesel
Fitters are skilled labour.'
'What skill?' yelled Paddy. 'I sew DA elastic on DA knickers and
thongs, Then Mick puts 'em over his head and says: 'Yep, diesel fitter.'
Please accept with no obligation, implied or implicit our best wishes for an
environmentally conscious, socially responsible, low stress, non-addictive,
Gender neutral, celebration of the winter solstice holiday, practiced within
the most enjoyable traditions of the religious persuasion of your choice,
Secular practices of your choice, or with respect for the religious/secular
persuasions and/or traditions of others, or their choice not to practice
Religious/secular traditions at all.
We also wish you a fiscally successful, personally fulfilling, and medically
uncomplicated recognition of the onset of the generally accepted calendar
Of the common era, but not without due respect for the calendars of choice
of other cultures, nor without regard to the race, creed, colour, age, physical
IQ, chronological status, mental deficiencies, religious faith, or sexual
preference or practices of the wishee.
By accepting this greeting, you are agreeing to these terms:
This greeting is subject to clarification or withdrawal.
It is freely transferable with no alteration to the original greeting.
It implies no promise by the wisher to actually implement any of the wishes for
her/himself or others, and is void where prohibited by law, and is revocable
At the sole discretion of the wisher.
This wish is warranted to perform as expected within the usual application of
good tidings for a period of one year, or until the issuance of a subsequent
Holiday greeting, whichever comes first, and warranty is limited to replacement
of this wish or issuance of a new wish at the sole discretion of the wisher.
All taxes are the responsibility of the wishee, and the decision of a panel of
arbitrators is final in the event of a dispute.
In spite of being advised that the above small print should be included, we will
content ourselves with
Wishing you all a Very Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year.
Sincerely, Fraternally and Electronically,
Verbal Tennis between Men and Women
1- A girl says to her boyfriend: One kiss and I'll be yours forever.
The guy replies: Thanks for the warning.
2- A husband was asked: Do you talk to your wife after sex?
He replied: Depends, if I can find a phone … yes, why not?.
3- Man to wife on wedding night: Are you sure I'm the first man you are
She replies: Of course honey, I stayed awake with all the others!
4- A wife asked her husband: What do you like most in me, my pretty
face or My sexy body?
He looked at her from head to toe and replied after a pause: I like your
Sense of humour.
5- Doctor to his lady patient: You look terribly weak and exhausted! Are
You having your meals three times a day as I advised?
Lady: Doctor, I thought you said three males a day.
In evidence the court heard that the plaintiff in the case had taken an action against
the proprietors of a local theatre. The background to the case was that, in the
course of a recent performance at the theatre, his mobile telephone went off, and
he was immediately requested by ushers to leave the auditorium. This incident had
caused him no little measure of embarrassment, and he felt that the least he was
entitled to was to have been re-imbursed for the price of admission. For their part,
the directors of the theatre explained that patrons had been requested to ensure
that their phones and pagers had been turned off. The play was a very serious one,
and the interruption had come at a vital part when the whole point of the play was
"It could be said," remarked the presiding judge, "that this was one of the audience
who got the message."
A motorist in Kreuzlingen, Switzerland is facing a driving ban, after being caught
four times by the same speed camera in the space of one minute and 37 seconds.
The motorist unwittingly passed a speed trap before turning round at the next
roundabout to investigate a mysterious flash. He drove past again, and once more
was puzzled by a flash of light. It took two more attempts - both flashed before he
spotted the camera perched on top of a traffic light.
At an evening of reminiscence about the war years held at Bournemouth, a lady
delighted the audience with a memoir about a German prisoner-of-war who was
sent each week to do her garden. He was repatriated at the end of 1945. She
recalled: "He always seemed a nice friendly chap, but when the crocuses came
up in the middle of our lawn in February 1946, they spelt out "Heil Hitler".
After their 11th child, an Egyptian couple decided that was enough as they
could not afford a larger bed.
So the husband went to his doctor and told him that he and his cousin
didn't want to have anymore children.
The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could
fix the problem but that it was expensive. "A less costly alternative," said the
doctor, "is to go home, get a cherry bomb, (fireworks are legal in Egypt) light
it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to your ear and count to 10."
The Egyptian said to the doctor, "I may not be the smartest tool in the shed,
but I don't see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can next to my ear is going
to help me."
"Trust me," said the doctor.
So the man went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a beer can. He held the
can up to his ear and began to count...
At which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs and resumed
counting on his other hand.
This procedure also works in other areas of the world.
73 de dave
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