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GM3YEW > HUMOUR   14.05.18 20:34l 275 Lines 6678 Bytes #16 (0) @ WW
BID : 3228_GB7YEW
Subj: jokes 31/1
Sent: 180131/0852Z 3228@GB7YEW.GB7YEW.#79.GBR.EURO BPQ6.0.14

   As Grandmother used to say 
 The blackest month of all the year, Is the month of Janiveer
A salesman was demonstrating unbreakable combs in a department store. He
was impressing the people who stopped by to look by putting the comb
Through all sorts of torture and stress.
Finally to impress even the skeptics in the crowd, he bent the comb
Completely in half, and it snapped with a loud crack. Without missing a
Beat, he bravely held up both halves of the 'unbreakable' comb for everyone
To see and said, "And this, ladies and gentlemen, is what an unbreakable
Comb looks like on the inside."
"Toyota is developing a car with a new device that will automatically stop
The car if the driver has had too much to drink. The device is called
Oncoming traffic." --Conan O'Brien
A cow is a completely automated milk-manufacturing machine. It's encased in
Untanned leather and mounted on four vertical moveable supports, one on
Each corner.
The front end contains: the cutting and grinding mechanism, as well as,
Light sensors, air inlet and exhaust, bumper and a fog horn.
The rear end contains: the dispensing apparatus and automatic fly swatter.
The central section houses a hydro-chemical conversion plant. This consists
Of four fermentation and storage tanks, an integrated network, which is
Connected to the rear-dispensing unit.
In brief the extremely visible features are:
2 lookers, 2 hookers, 4 stander-uppers, 4 hanger-downers and a swissy-wissy.
Two men are talking about their offspring:
First man: "When I was a kid, my parents sent me to my room without supper
If I misbehaved. But my son has his own colour TV, telephone, computer,
Every computer game and a CD player in his room!"
"So how do you handle it?" his friend asked.
"I send him to MY room!"
A retired corporate executive, now a widower, decided to take a vacation. 
He booked himself on a Caribbean cruise and proceeded to have the time of 
his life, that is, until the ship sank. 
He found himself on an island with no other people, no supplies, nothing, only 
bananas and coconuts.
After about four months, he is lying on the beach one day when the most 
gorgeous woman he has ever seen rows up to the shore.
In disbelief, he asks, "Where did you come from? How did you get here?" 
 She replies, "I rowed from the other side of the island. I landed here when my 
cruise ship sank." 
 Amazing," he notes. "You were really lucky to have a row boat wash up 
with you." 
Oh, this thing?" explains the woman. "I made the boat out of raw material I 
found on the island.
The oars were whittled from gum tree branches. I wove the bottom from 
palm branches, and the sides and stern
Came from a Eucalyptus tree." 
"But, where did you get the tools?" 
 "Oh, that was no problem," replied the woman. "On the south side of the 
island, a very unusual stratum of alluvial rock is exposed. 
I found if I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into ductile 
iron. I used that for tools and used the tools to make the hardware." 
The guy is stunned. 
Let's row over to my place," she says. 
After a few minutes of rowing, she docks the boat at a small wharf.
As the man looks to shore, he nearly falls off the boat. Before him is a stone 
walk leading to an exquisite bungalow painted in blue and white.
While the woman ties up the rowboat with an expertly woven hemp rope, 
the man can only stare ahead, dumb struck. 
 As they walk into the house, she says casually, "It's not much, but I call it 
home. Sit down, please. Would you like a drink?" 
 "No! No thank you," he blurts out, still dazed. "I can't take another drop of 
coconut juice." 
 It's not coconut juice," winks the woman. I have a still. How would you like 
a Pina Colada?" 
Trying to hide his continued amazement, the man accepts, and they sit down 
on her couch to talk.
After they have exchanged their stories, the woman announces, "I'm going to 
slip into something more comfortable. 
Would you like to take a shower and shave? There is a razor upstairs in the 
bathroom cabinet." 
 No longer questioning anything, the man goes into the bathroom.
There, in the cabinet, a razor made from a piece of tortoise bone. Two shells 
honed to a hollow ground edge are fastened on to its end inside a swivel 
mechanism. "This woman is amazing," he muses. "What next?" 
When he returns, she greets him wearing nothing but vines, strategically positioned, 
and smelling faintly of gardenias. She beckons
for him to sit down next to her. "Tell me," she begins suggestively, slithering closer 
to him, "We've been out here for many months. You've been lonely. There's 
something I'm sure you really feel like doing right now, something you've been 
longing for?" She stares into his eyes. 
He can't believe what he's hearing. "You mean . . ." he swallows excitedly and tears 
start to form in his eyes. "I can check my e-mail from

Dating in 1960
It was a hot Saturday evening in the summer of 1960, and Fred had a
date with Peggy Sue.
He arrived at her house and rang the bell.
'Oh, come on in!' Peggy Sue's mother said as she welcomed Fred in.
'Have a seat in the living room. Would you like something to drink?
Lemonade?  Iced tea?'
'Iced tea, please,' Fred said. Mom brought the iced tea.
'So, what are you and Peggy planning to do tonight?' she asked.
'Oh, probably catch a movie, and then maybe grab a bite to eat at the
malt shop,
maybe take a walk on the beach...'
'Peggy likes to screw, you know,' Mom informed him.
'Really?'  Fred replied; eyebrows rose.
'Oh yes,' the mother continued,
'When she goes out with her friends, that's all they do!'
'Is that so?' asked Fred, incredulous.
'Yes,' said the mother.
'As a matter of fact, she'd screw all night if we let her!'
'Well, thanks for the tip!' Fred said as he began thinking about
alternate plans for the evening.
A moment later, Peggy Sue came down the stairs looking pretty as a
wearing a pink blouse and a hoop skirt, and with her hair tied back in
a bouncy ponytail.
She greeted Fred.
'Have fun, kids!' the mother said as they left.
Half an hour later, a completely dishevelled Peggy Sue burst into the
house and slammed the front door behind her.
'The Twist, Mom!' she angrily yelled to her mother in the kitchen.
  'The bloody dance is called the Twist!'


73 de dave

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